Eccentricity

2012-02-08T08:21:00.000-08:00

I am not prepared for the worst,
I am not prepared for the worst,
I am not prepared for the worst.

I'm not giving up hope just because he said so,
I'm prepared for you to get better.
Please.

2012-02-03T02:34:00.000-08:00

It really is a nuisance when it's that time of the month.
I can't swim,I can't run.
C'mon,it's a friday.
Fridays are meant to de-stress,
to get rid of whatever emotional grime that has clung onto you over the week.
And now, I can't do that.
Damn it.

2012-01-28T06:52:00.000-08:00

I would hear my inner conscience go, "What's up with all those soppy posts?"

I hate to see or feel myself being all weak and maybe even "reliant".
Let me write.
And then,I'll pick myself up,dust myself up and face the new school week with enthusiasm seeping out through the pores of my very self.

Seeing my grandpa in the hospital for the past 2 months, I faltered at the question.
"What are we living for?"
The rite of human passage,
Birth,Aging,Death.
In a more contemporary context,
Birth,Education,Work,Family,Death.
What's education for? What's the point of working?
I don't want my life to be dictated by materialistic pursues, by monetary desires nor the hunger for that higher social status in this superficial social stratum.
I don't need an education when I can be blissfully happy living in the Amazonian Virgin forest in Brazil-Peru,honing my primal survival skills;living the life my ancestors once did.
Why is that I can only be happy when I have the needs and the wants of the 21st Century?
It tires me to have such a way of living.

How much it hurts to know that his illness is sapping away his energy bit by bit.
It doesn't help to know that he is swallowing 10 coloured pills a day.
Pancreatic infection stole the grandpa I used to love and adore.
It robbed him of his smile.
Oh how I miss his witty sense of humor,
his chubby visage,
his own pool of cliched advices,
his non-stop chatter.
It pains me that the grandfather I'm seeing now is just bones underneath skin.
Every week I visit, it gets harder to stem the tears from flowing.
That alone takes sheer will power.
Last friday's trip couldn't be any more depressing.
Grandpa, how can you expect me to be studying when you're in the hospital like that?
How can you expect me to agree when you reminded me before I left,
"Study hard".
I wouldn't be human if I listened.
It would turn me into an empty shell devoid of humanity.

My dad was telling me(again) the other day,
I mean,being a devote Buddhist himself.
Life is samsara.
The four noble truths,
Life means suffering.
The origin of suffering is attachment.
The cessation of suffering is attainable.
The path to the cessation is suffering.

The times I keep telling myself,
things will get better,
most of the time, it does.

I'm a teenager,
I'll act like one.
Ray's daily insults won't get to me.

2012-01-23T20:37:00.000-08:00

I need to breathe but you aren't giving me space to do so.
I'm not complicated, you make me complicated.
Please please please get over it,
I don't need this,
at all.

2012-01-19T22:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like bits of me are breaking off.
Are breaking off, are breaking off.
as one always tends to, I find myself reaching for things that remind me of who I am. That remind me I am still here. That I can still be.

-Charis Vera

I shouldn't have transited from that nobody to someone.
Life was a whole lot easier when I kept to myself.
Life was simple.
I didn't had this, this pensive mood all the time.
I was sensible to numb myself from everything,
to just be that nobody.
Maybe my younger self was prudent enough to be shallow,
where my primary focus was school and school alone.
It was enough to block everyone out.
Still, it gets harder when you're older.

Another you,another stab of pain.
You dampened everything with that
two words.
Two words that ricocheted off your mouth like an acute slap in my face.
I really wondered what was on your mind to have you repeat that,
over and over again.
Not once,not twice,not thrice.
That was cruel,no?
My self-esteem couldn't have gotten any lower,
you shattered that fragile piece of hope.
Hope that spurred me on to try,
to be that someone.
Not anymore.
I think my friends have been kind enough to have let me plant such a thought.
I thought I was unyielding enough to withstand your caustic remarks,
to not let it erode my dignity,
to hold on to whatever I had preserved.
To allow that bit of self-worth to manifest and hopefully,
I would be able to be myself again.
You left the train and I think,
my self-esteem floated along with you;
with your spoken words.
Words that resounded in my ears.
Words that left me dazed throughout the journey home.

You made me ponder.
You were barely an acquaintance and yet,
you left such an impression.
I thought I was strong enough to not pay heed to the thoughts of others.
I don't want to be wrong of that.

No, silence is golden and you know what?
Maybe,I'm going to be that nobody again.

2012-01-18T05:00:00.001-08:00

I need respite from the academic world.
What's new?

I know it's me that you've been writing about but you can't expect me to react normally when things under such circumstances are said,
especially to me.
Honestly, I was b lo w n away by that question.
I would never expect that, ever.
I'm perfectly fine with the way things are
so please,
get over it.

2012-01-16T03:04:00.001-08:00

" So,you're okay with having your birthday party or you're too busy?"
The words stung, they really did.
I rehearsed my lines so as to be able to talk to you but it didn't come out as what I planned.
I tried my best to fill that oppressing,awkward silence.
You shouldn't have asked because I wouldn't know how to deal with such things.
I hope you felt how I felt through that goodbye.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So Ms Xie is my English teacher uh?
Tell you what,
I hate her accent.
How in the world do you expect someone to forcefully fit in assigned vocab words into an essay?
You don't make the essay revolve around those vocab words do you?
Most of the time, I wasn't thinking about my plot, I was racking my brains on how to fill those words in.
I hate the class.
I felt rebellious in every way.
I felt restricted in every sense.
I hate the class.
Don't you make me hate English in one lesson.
I feel lousy.
I feel lousy in every single thing I do.
So what does that make me now?

I hate today.

2012-01-13T15:22:00.000-08:00

The future isn't certain for me but I do know that I've been working for that rough certainty for these past three years.
I had enough days of idling back then,I had enough of not knowing the essence of time,I had enough of procrastination.
Then, I have had enough of the regrets that have paved its way for the person I am today.

Enough said because soon, time will tell.

2012-01-10T01:30:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt your chest so constricted that you can barely breathe?
Ever felt that your efforts in reserving that last bit of sanity has been exhausted?
I feel tired.
It's a wonder how music can turn your emotions around, I feel a little better.

I don't want myself consumed by the ravages of time that I end up looking back at my teenage years and all I see is me, in that teenage-self studying.
If it weren't and isn't for that motivation, I'd honestly can't be bothered with this education system that is so, so obsessed with results.

I feel oppressed and stifled.
Funny how it's this late and I'm finally able to think about life and the things that come with it.

From now on, I'm going to numb myself from my thoughts.
It's too distracting.
I guess I'm gonna keep to myself for a while.
Drama sessions are now shadowed by remedials,
what's there to look forward to now?

The only reprieve I get from this mechanical cycle is the morning strolls I get walking to school;round the curve, beside the forest.
That's the only time I'd get in touch with my soul and mind,
that's the only time I feel human.

2012-01-06T07:22:00.000-08:00

A lot has been going up there in my head for the past few days, too much actually.
It's like the clockworks in my head are going bonkers.
It shouldn't be like this and I wasn't like this.

I'm an awkward person.

Get a grip please.
I hope we get to run during PE on Monday, I need that.

2011-12-31T06:42:00.000-08:00

Yeahyeah, Happy New Year.
Right, I shall stop being a cynical snob.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I will find the right balance between my soul,body and mind.
I will be the best that I can be,
in both studies and music.
I will be able to find myself when I'm lost.
You go girl.

*FIST PUNCH!*

2011-12-30T06:44:00.000-08:00

I feel inadequate and inept in so many ways.
It's depressing enough to have that revelation on New Year's eve.
I've honestly tried and the efforts?
They don't pay off most of the time.
It seems as though the last shred of hope I'm pinning against is about to fall apart.
Hope to me was like iridescent glass; fragile yet beautiful, lustrous yet deceiving.
I wanted space to think and running didn't help today.
On the days that I have time, I run without a beginning or an end.
Sometimes, I run longer,farther and even faster. And I am happy.
Because I didn't build myself up to let myself down, I just did what I like.

And because of this, I dread twentytwelve.
Expectations,
and more expectations.
I'm afraid to fall once more,
to taste that stinging pain and to be entrenched in sickening doubt of one's ability to achieve.

Hope, is a painful thing to harbor.
Hold it too tightly and it cuts.

2011-12-23T02:20:00.000-08:00

So here I am.

And I'm saying I want to sit here and soak it all in. Soak and absorb it and be fully, completely and utterly invested in this. Bring it. Bring it all.

Fill me, break me, piece me up and build me up again.

So when I find myself spilling, when I find this seeping from my pores as my breathing catches in the dimming of the light, seconds before the curtains fall, I will look out at an audience watching with glassy eyes and bated breath and know, and know, and know, just like I always have,

that I've found my way back home.

-Charis Vera

Beautiful isn't it?
Sigh, I miss the stage.
I miss drama.

2011-12-21T04:49:00.001-08:00

It has never ever once occurred to me that I would fancy Korean songs.
I found it silly to listen to something foreign; being unable to appreciate the lyrics.
I was being xenophobic but not anymore.
BOF has made me gravitate towards the realm of the crazy Korean craze that I previously found to be unfathomable. (
Somehow I feel empowered by the knowledge unconsciously acquired from the internet.
And with that, the ingenuity of human beings being put to worthy use.

I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS,
it's like a sabbatical leave to venture into the world of self-discovery.
Life is exciting, there's so much to learn,no?

2011-12-20T03:41:00.000-08:00

I hate myself, I really do,
at times,
like t h i s.

I hate myself, I really do,
to pick up that call,
when I could choose,
to sprain my leg or answer that useless caller who said,
" 'Cuse me, this's Bruce Lee?"

I hate myself, I really do,
when the person I talk to,
doesn't even know my dad's name
called Bruce,
nothing more.

I hate myself, I really do,
when I told told myself,
"December's ending, make your new year's resolution soon".
So the first on the list,
was to "stop being clumsy,
to stop tripping over whatever that's in front of you."

I hate myself, I really do,
just a minute after I made that wish,
I sprained my leg,
and it's swollen like a
ugly balloon.

I hate myself, I really do,
how do I go to for physic's remedial,
with everyone staring at that stupid You.

I hate myself, I really do,
I bet my legs,
they hate me too.

Wow, I didn't know you could write a poem in barely 5 mins when you're angry.
That's cool.

2011-12-15T21:10:00.001-08:00

Sometimes, living in that world of fantasy gives you a breather from reality.
I'm glad I didn't slept yesterday,
it gave me the house and maybe the neighborhood to myself.
I'm referring to Silence, ironically while my show was still running.
I smiled, I laughed, I guffawed, I cracked up when the characters in the show were being unbelievably,impossibly nice and cried like mad.
Sigh,the caprice of humans and their emotions can be quite a handful.
And then, I felt how complicated It can be.
For the past, in the present and then the future.

I just hope that there's that someone out there who'd be that handkerchief for me, not to mention,silly enough to tolerate my idiosyncrasies.
Wouldn't it be nice to talk just about anything under the stars?
I tell my sister almost everything but it's just, different.
Really though, what am I thinking?

2011-12-09T06:11:00.000-08:00

I like how I'm able to continue my dreams, knowing that I'm subconsciously weaving it into the way I want.
Boy has it been a really long time since I felt this way, wow.
You make me feel straight.
No, I'm sure this is temporal.

I've been on the computer much too often, thanks to Funshion.
How can Big Bang Theory Season 5 not be available?
I miss Sheldon! ):

I tried out Twitter a couple of days ago, never though I'd do it.
It's crazy though, all the usernames are taken.
Seriously,even my name?!
In the end, I settled for BOOYAAAAAAAAAAH.
10 As to be exact, since anything below 10 was taken.
Aiyah, it doesn't really matter when you're stalking.

This isn't the way to go.
Where has my discipline gone to?
Dang, it's time to renew my motivations.

p/s: Came across a article today.
"Forcing smoke down my lungs is pulmonary rape. It invades my body against my will, and it's not fair." -- Patty Young
This is one quote I can totally relate to,
credits to my neighbour with a totally functioning moral conscience.

2011-12-02T00:35:00.000-08:00

Ah yes, I'm waiting for my hair to dry again.
Writing seems to be the most apt choice right now to while the time away, given the slightly uncomfortable silence resonating through my house though my family's still wide awake.
Oh and I had my first legit NC-16 movie this evening - 那些年，我们一起追的女孩。
I was actually able to pass off one year older or maybe the person wasn't paying much attention,having seen so many faces in one day.
The movie was pretty good but the guys in it were super, super horny.
No kidding, almost 10% of the show was showing the guys masturbating.
Pardon me for being too direct, I feel that bit of uneasiness as well by saying it.
Still, biologically speaking, it's understandable.
ANYWAY.
The main lead's hawt and charismatic. (;

Do watch it, if you can of course.
It's okay if you can't,
there's always Funshion. ((:

2011-11-30T18:01:00.000-08:00

I'm waiting for my hair to dry before I (very willingly) succumb to sleep.
I can't wait.
It's torture not being able to sleep and I think I looked ridiculous napping almost everywhere.

I don't see the point to have sentry duty. But it was a blessing in disguise because if I hadn't woken up, I wouldn't have got to see the vast blanket of stars against the clear night sky. The sky looked like it was dotted with buttons of glistening silvery stars.
Ahhh, it was beautiful.
Seeing that, I literally stared at the sky for an hour or so in anoesis.
It felt surreal.

I banged my elbow against the wall as I came out of the toilet and it's swollen to the point as if it's gloating at me.
Maybe it's karma I'd accumulated from yesterday.
Fine, I won't laugh again if it lessens the throbbing pain.

HA, nah, the pain is worth the laugh since the memory is so deeply ingrained at the sound of,
"Ahhhhhhh"
Heh.

C'mon, I'll just use the hair dryer.

2011-11-27T00:45:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a break now.
I swear I'm going to get muscle cramps for my fingers tomorrow.
Still, one sonata more to go.
This sucks.
I don't have or rather my hands don't have that stamina to pull through one more 6-page piece.
It's my fault actually, I always practice at the last minute and now, the notes are all back-firing at me.
WHY? Why now when I've got camp the next morning?
I'm gonna "break" camp halfway to have my lesson.
This sucks.
I have yet to pack my bag.
Having been through OBS,if I weren't going to be ostracized by not bathing,not brushing your teeth or by that definition, social etiquette(screw it), I would report to camp with only myself, empty handed.
gaaaaaaahhhs.
This sucks.
My break is up.
Just one more, just one more and I'll go pack, and sleep.
ohgod.

This sucks like not being able to scratch your whole leg out when it's itching like mad.

2011-11-25T04:28:00.003-08:00

I feel good,tadaa tadum nana naaah~

Even if I noticed some nuances in my run today.
My PE shorts is loose and it's a real distraction.
I can't tell you how much it irks me when my shoe laces come off and I need to break my well-paced momentum just to stop in the middle of somewhere to tie those peevish(rebellious) shoelaces.
Top on my list of haters are smokers.
No no seriously, they should all just disintegrate piecemeal.
This is perfectly justified because I always have to hold my breath whenever I run past them and it is I and only I who feel the after effects of severe breathlessness, not them.
Another thing, it isn't exactly sensible to run when you're having your period on your third day.
It's not uncomfortable, it's just, inconvenient.
Anyway, I'm used to it so I guess that's okay unless my mom finds out which she doesn't 70% of the time.
Either that or she gives up by my "resilience". (;

Have to admit, I feel sort of guilty for wanting smug, haughty preteens(wow, I feel old to use that term)and kids alike to trip and fall as they ostentatiously rollerblade.
The evening was nice today.
Fine, I did indulge a bit in my thoughts today, couldn't curb it.

I was supposed to finish my 4 over due physics worksheets by today but I didn't.
Oh well.
At least having Rosaline Lee won the Most Stylish Award at the Radio Awards 2011 cheered me up quite considerably. ((:
Love her!
I'm crossing my fingers that I see Mr Drew Crothers. *grins*

p/s: Please please please get back to reality soon.

2011-11-20T20:09:00.000-08:00

I look diseased with an assortment of insect bites.
My leg is disfigured,
not that it was flawless to start with.
Still, I have the "too-tough-to-ruffle" look. :D
I hope my tan stays!

2011-11-18T02:18:00.000-08:00

I'm back from OBS in one piece,
and I don't know whether to be relieved or wistful.
There comes a time in your life when you need to sit down and reflect, i.e Drama's SYF 2011.
It's weird though, sitting in front of a computer instead of walking around in the cold night air surrounded by a lush canopy of green trees.
Yet, I'd better type whatever that comes into my mind now than relying on the fallacy of the human memory.
I feel disconnected from reality after having been in a jungle for the past five days.
I can't just shed my new rugged self to suit the once familiar urbanity like that.
Walking into MacDonalds today was like, foreign.
Still, being able to use the toilet at home at one's own pace is utter bliss.

I miss Pulau Ubin and it's welcoming wilderness.
Being in such propinquity to the abodes of an intriguing variety of insects and wild creatures is plain exciting.
There's so much life skills to be learnt and there's this common saying in the camp,
"Common sense is not so common".
I came to realize how being academically inclined won't keep you alive in a jungle,
having practical common sense does.
Seriously, in the wilderness, express,normal academic and normal technical don't exist.
This sounds pretty incoherent but yeah, I gained so much common sense from my team members.
To me, they were all role models and each day, I was thoroughly inspired by their actions, thought processes and leadership qualities.
Though different individuals, they had something similar.
They were all selfless and I felt so, so shocked that they, strangers from all parts of Singapore could put the team members before themselves.
I was like, "Wow".
Then there's instructor Niza.
I love her super duper much.
She's brillant and I put her on par with Mrs Crothers.(Can't believe I'd do that.)

I'll run through the highlights in point form, my eyelids are drooping to an extent that I'm semi-unconsciously typing.
anyway, here goes.

Day 1:
.Met my new team, Team Battuta; 14 members.
.Our team had basketball players, a canoeist, a sailor(how cool is that?! Mayflower sec.), a high ranker of some uniform group, a president of chinese dance, sergeant of can't remember what and some other equally cool CCAS that WSSS do not offer. ughs.
.6 malay guys, 8 girls.
.played giant skipping rope
.made a group charter.(1.Team Spirit. 2.Mutual Respect 3.Acceptance 4.Positivity 5. Have Fun)
.was given a whole big box of food rations(mostly biscuits,milo sachets,bread,oranges,apples, can food and maggie noodles)as well as a food list that we had to plan our meals according to.
.Everyone had a bag of their personal ration "happy food" and group ration "common food" to be shared during lunch.
.I was the Store IC. :D while everyone had different roles: Day IC, Food IC and First-aid IC
.Took everything out(tent poles, tent bags, tent pegs, ground sheet, life vests, whistles, compass, maps, fly sheet, ponchos, pots and pans, mess tins, jerrry cans, water bottles,etc to dust them out in the sun.)
.blahblahblah,
.cooked our own dinner.
.the team was bonded, there.

Day 2:
.woke up at 5 plus.
.had breakfast
.we were given those professional backpacks.
-4 for carrying the tents, 2 for all the food rations, 8 for personal items (2:1).
. I shared a "personal bag" with Ann Chee which meant she carried that and I carried the tent bag.
.Tent bag was @#$%^&* heavy.
.Almost everyone needed help to just lift their bags from the ground so that they could carry.
.Trekked to a second campsite.
.Did ab-sailing on a 8-storey high natural rock wall and I'd never want to do again, it was equivalent to a horrible nightmare.

Day 3: (Land expedition)
.Started at around 8plus.
.Had to reach 4 checkpoints and we all felt like dying.
.I have never in my life carried such a heavy load while having to trek through the entire length of Pulau Ubin.(10km) I felt like a donkey.
.Rotated different sets of navigators.
.was able to put my geog knowledge into use with the map's legends, map scale, etc.
.Saw wild boars and dogs on the way.
.Sang songs to distract ourselves from the burden and the scorching sun.
.Chit-chatted with Instructor Niza
.Love the intiative-driven guys.I proclaim them to be qualified gentlemen.
Trust me, it's rare.
.The 2nd checkpoint was at the top of this hill which we saw this breath-taking freshwater turquoise quarry.
.Ate our lunch while sitting at the side of the small road.
.Waited in a small hut for the rain to stop
.played loads of hand games.
.Wore our ponchos and headed for the last checkpoint which was also our camp site.
.The toilet to our camp site was so far that we had to pee in a bush,poo in a dug hole andthen covering it with soil using the shovel.
.I do not know how to put the experience though. Let's just say it was filthy and awkward. It really once a once in a lifetime thing.
.Cooked 20 packets of maggie mee and it proved to be too much to finish.
. once again, the guys sacrificed and stuffed themselves bloated in order to not waste food.
.Washed our utensils and mess tins in the sea.
.brushed our teeth near the bushes.
.everyone woke up at 5 as red ants invaded our bagpacks due to the maggie mee on the floor.
.had the feel of many red ants crawling into your shoe. stupid angsty ants.
.Didn't bathe for a day, wore my top and bottom for 3 days in a row.
I realised that one of the things that OBS could teach you was to have tolerance for extreme dirtiness.

Day 4:(Sea expedition)
.Kayaked in a Triyak 18km all the way back to base camp.
.Had lunch at sea.
.Had loads of fun riding the waves.
.Everyone was told to pee in the sea.
.Had bread with milo powder.
.Washed kayaks.
.Did a jetty jump. It was exhilarating. :D
.Unpacked our bags and put stuff into place in the store.
It was the last night and the one of the guys called Ezzuan became emotional during Dinner.
He walked to some place not faraway and sat there alone. I saw him lying on the concrete floor and unknowingly, I felt concerned and worried. I had never done this before but I plucked up enough courage to go confront him all the same. He couldn't bear to see the team separate, having been through so much. We talked and yeah, I guess he felt better or so. Ughs, our height difference really irked me. I felt vertically demoralized.
.mess tins were washed and kept.
.Instructor Niza made us reflect and she told us a story abt her grandmother and her. When she teared,(I'm serious,her voice went all croaky) everyone couldn't bear to see her like that.I felt wretched seeing her (unsuccessfully) holding back her tears.
.When everyone said their appreciation towards the team, everyone got all emotional.
.everyone couldn't bear to sleep so we all sat on the tarp in the center where the tents were set up in a square and we just talked.
.some of them went back into the tent to avoid the sand flies and mosquitoes.
.I think there were abt 6 of us squeezing in a tent(guys and girls) talking abt random stuff from love life to live experiences to family background as we answered "open-ended" questions.
.I've never had so much laughter in a night.
.Everyone couldn't keep awake at arnd 2am so I went outside the tent to sleep on the tarp with my sleeping bag since the breeze was really soothing and cold.
.The guys did something that really touched me,especially Idris.
He's the epitome of a gentleman and I still cannot believe he'd did that for a stranger;known for just five days like me.

Last day:
.Everyone was downright bitter..
It sucked knowing that the bond became almost as close to of a family member and yet, it'll be lost soon. It's almost painful to know that and I'm sure everyone had that in mind as well.
.I cried. Ann Chee cried. Everyone cried.
.When we reached Pongol Jetty, we went to buy the T-shirts while most of the schools there were leaving.
.We had a final group hug and everyone teared like mad. ):

okay, I'm now 1/4 conscious with drowiness.
OBS was awesome and I'm looking forward to our Battuta gathering on 10 December! ((:
Battuta FTW'2011
Love'em a lot, a lot and a lot.

2011-11-13T07:30:00.000-08:00

I LOVE BRIYANI RICE.
They such fun to eat when they're all long and skinny! ((:
I'm bloated with Indian food, thanks to Roshini.
Nevertheless, I was entertained by the rice itself.
I'm always entertained by Briyani . TEEHEE.

My dad just came into the room, bribing me yet again.
"Read this(The 6 Most Important Decisions you'll ever make) and I'll give you 20."
But yes, I'm going to because I'm broke and I'm desperate.
And I don't wanna work for money. ;)

Anyway, OBS starts tomorrow. :/
The thought of it fills me with dreadful apprehension.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed,figuratively of course, that I come out of the camp alive so that I'd be in time for the SEA Ceremony.
No, not the awardee but the usher-er.
I'm hoping I'd get a taste of the array of wonderful, wonderfully yummy good food there. ):
Oh well.

CRAAAP.
Speaking of which, I have yet to write the speech and the letter thingy.
Ohgod.

2011-11-12T08:47:00.000-08:00

I think I've toured through the entire of our modest little island in the span of two days,
running different errands.
I can finally, apprehend why after a day's work, adults would be as angsty and peevish.
The volcanic-like eruption of their ire is prone to the slightest provocation which is really, I feel, intriguing to observe and of course, listen empathetically.
I think the social structure of Singapore is eroding at a drastic,alarming rate.
Everyone's so uptight and fast-paced.
I feel stifled and literally breathless.
Today's an example.

Uncle in front of me with a kid(the only two in the middle of the escalator when the others were all at the right side)
I was rushing for time so, I said: "Excuse me please." (really politely)
He freakin' ignored me.(We were at the top of the escalator.)
I switched languages and said in Chinese.
I got ignored again but he actually had the nerve to stare back at me.
I tried again and I swear that I was loud enough for him, even the people around to hear me.
He didn't respond and I had to bear with it till we got till the bottom.
What the heck?
I was raging in there so I said(enunciating every syllable), just loud enough for him and his insolent,spoilt brat to hear me,
"How I-m-p-o-l-i-t-e."

The future is dismal when I know the only warmth I was able to get was from a 8 year old kid.
My sister took her seat and I took the one beside the boy which meant he was in between.
After a while, my sister went to buy stuff so he said," Let's change seats? You can sit with her then. *smiles* "
It really made my day and I felt like giving him a big bear sister-ly hug and say" You're gonna be a wonderful guy. *grins*"
haha, but it'd only happen in my head, lest I look like a pedophile.

okay, that's all.
I hope my point is made.

2011-11-09T06:03:00.000-08:00

SCREW YOU (inconsiderate) SMOKERS.

I have nothing against the considerate ones, it's their choice and I have no right.
My neighbor's the quintessence of selfish smokers.
Every time he coughs violently, (I bet it's the workings of chronic bronchitis and emphysema)
it's like a fire drill.
My dad or I will rush to close the windows and doors,
and roll the floor mat to block out the smoke from the space below the door.
Or if we're too late,
we'd drown in an almost caustic fog of cancer-causing smoke.
Fine, this may be exaggeration but that's what I go through in a day.
The most number of times he can go up to is like 5 times a day.
Bitchiest guy, ever.
Why should my family be subjected to bear the brunt of his crass habits?
Seriously, HDB should make up some rule to make them not smoke at the corridors.

Yesyes, I have to be forgiving but I can't,
I can't when the door and the windows are now, purposefully, permanently locked.
hateyou.hateyou.hateyou.hateyou.hateyou.hateyou.
Hate you and your tar-filled lungs!

2011-11-07T23:20:00.001-08:00

This sucks.
I can't wait to get out of this shithole.

Thank you, for being part of that motivation.

2011-11-05T08:15:00.000-07:00

I'm ploughing through The Chronicles of Narnia and I'm currently reading Shasta and the Horse,Part 2.
The thought of giving up is really compelling.

Anyway, I just had this random revelation in the shower.
I'm not particularly good in anything.
Sports.Studies.Piano.Singing.(*chortles*)Drama.Talking.Math.etcetcetc.

-sorry for this interruption but omg, the conversation I just overheard is hilarious.-
Sis:" That's why Edward has to be very gentle towards Bella, he's super strong. One flick of his finger and Bella's face will be screwed.
Dad:"So, that's why they can't kiss?"
Sis:"Yeah, and have sex too."
Dad:"But in the last movie they'll have right?"
Sis:"Yeaaaah.
*awkward silence*
HAHAHA.
anyway.

I'm not a talented person.
I don't have a super model bod,
neither do I have an idea that would turn the world around like Steve Jobs(ughs, this name is so beginning to become overrated)
Speaking of which, iphones reminds me of communism.
Almost every person owns the same exact phone.

So yeah, I'm ordinary.
But, I'm going to find my self worth and when that day comes,
then am I going to leave a legacy.

2011-11-04T03:02:00.000-07:00

I knew I would lose my phone cable one day and today's the day.
Damn it.

The trip to the chalet was really cool.
The realization that my quality of zuowens are deteriorating make me feel horrible. ):
I'm really going to be studying my guts out for zuowen and I think I would just be training my writing speed, it's horrendously slow.
or maybe, my thought processes are sluggish.
These are the moments in life where you feel that you're the dumbest person.
I had a lot of that during that trip where you get waves of disappointment come crashing down on you after every single piece of zuowen.

I really wanna be effectively,fluently bilingual.

Thoughts aside, I think I gained at least 2 kg from this trip,
thanks to all that marshmallows stuffing, cocktail and non-stop eating.
I trashed Cherlene in 3+am soccer; 8:3. heh.
and omg, I cannot believe the person whom Cherlene and I tickled in his sleep was leelaoshi
ohgod.
Cherlene and I were so bored at like 4+am that we crept into our previous rooms where "yongsheng", nickolas and enghong were sleeping.
We laughed like mad, mostly snorting away in the darkness when they responded to our tickles.
HAHAHA.
Then, we spotted "yongsheng" lying flat on the floor so we went to tickle his calves and even patted his back, which he responded.
The next morning, we realized the real yongsheng slept in another room that night.
Yuwen, amanlia, cherlene and I strolled to Downtown East to pee?
apparently, it was the sole intention since we left after using their toilets. ._.
Amanlia and I went to the beach alone at around 5+am to see the sunrise and in the end, the sky lit up without any "sunrise". bummer.

My head feels heavy like I have a hang over and it's my first time staying awake throughout the night successfully till morning.
It's my first ever time gorging myself with 11 marshmellows, barely uttering "Chubby Bunny".
I had the most painful laugh that night.
still, I can't quite put a finger to how I woke up with everyone around assembled around me,including leelaoshi saying,"倍莹，睡饱了吗？"
I think I was too groggy to be bothered with embarrassment though.
Was it a dream when I went to the toilet after I woke up?
Till now, I can't recall anything from the part when I laid on the floor to the point I woke up.

anyway, I'm really thankful to leelaoshi for everything. (:

2011-11-01T02:32:00.000-07:00

I feel depressed. despondent. demoralized.
and I don't think that's how I should be feeling with 10 more days to my MT paper.
I worry for my paper 1.
I can barely fill up 4 pages and it's exasperating that I can't translate whatever inspirations in English to Chinese and then, I'll end up writing a whole load of redundant junk.
I never want to hate Chinese, to me, it's like denying my Chinese roots.
Shucks, and then, there's this lack of practice going on for my piano.
I'm getting really rusty.

oh well, whatever. I won't get be any better off wallowing in (many of) my shortcomings anyway.
I will finish 5 pages of Chinese Compo in 1 hour tmr.
I am going to prevail in Mozart's Piano Sonata in C K.529 -all 3 mov. in FRIGGIN' ALLEGRO.
(just you wait Mozart, just you wait.)
3 hours a day and I should have abs on my fingers.

Bytheway, I can't stand you anymore.
I give up trying to overlook your flaws.
I can't help it if it's blindingly bright.

2011-10-31T08:20:00.000-07:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Had an awesome night out with Cherlene, Darius and Darren.
Cherlene was Dr.Boo gone crazy, I was the Witch, Darius was the screwed up Grim Reaper and Darren the failed Devil.
Woodgrove estate is the bestest halloween place to trick or treat, ever.
We saw Park!
Our makeup rocked.
We met loads of great, fun-loving people.
It was a hell of a scary night.
I'd post the pictures now if I weren't my dirty, grimy and witchy self.
okay, till then. (:

2011-10-28T01:02:00.000-07:00

I am tired,
physically drained.
I have a bad knee,
but I love muscle cramps.
They make me feel athletic and it's funny when it gives me the urge to give a smug smile at others.

It's 12.40am now and I can't sleep.
Insomnia is a bitch that never sleeps.
Still, the chamomile tea feels warm and fuzzy in my stomach.
I hope that it being a remedy for insomnia will work in approximately 40-45mins.
ha, maybe I'll drop dead(figuratively),asleep on the keyboard after that interval.
then, if I really do, you'll probably see fvdbgnhjm,kui7yh6

My sister has been a bitch for the past few days.
She's been cranky(between cantankerous and PMS-sy) and intolerably irritable.
It's so bad that I feel like pulling her hair out while I twist the strands around my fingers sadistically.
Every time when I win a quarrel( no doubt she'll be in self-denial but she KNOWS it), ohmy, I derive great, wonderful, sheer bliss from it.
Winning an 19 year old with a major in English Literature is a heroic feat.
I really should have medals for that.

30 more minutes and I'll feel sleepy, I hope.

I went to a piano recital with my cousin the day before and the pianists have thoroughly put me to shame.
Their pieces are 7mins long.
Holy crap, they memorized the entire piece.
I'm gonna work harder during the holidays.

We ran around Singapore today,
it was just darius, darren and I.
It was all darren's fault as usual.
Darius and I made an open vow never to trust his sense of direction ever again.
We wanted to buy Halloween stuff at reasonable prices but it turned out to be a fiasco, we ended up going from:

bukit panjang plaza(we bought nothing) -->Scape(wasted our time)-->Somerset 313--> Plaza Singapura(bought nothing. couldn't bear to part with $2 for a Daiso black cape, ohgod) --> Little India(wrong information from the internet. bought nothing. took it as a cultural trip but we ended up calling Roshini since we got a bit lost, oh, the embarrassment. thank you Roshini, though we pretty much traced our way out with the help of the OG red neon sign on the building.)--> Landed up in OG.(absurd) --> Bugis.( Ate some pasta near Laselle College. Darren nearly vomited, not because the food was bad but because he over stuffed himself. Darius couldn't finish it either. Whatever, I finished my portion and helped them with theirs. Yeah right, guys have big appetites?Nope, statement is no longer valid.) -->Stadium( Circle Line, was horribly far. yet, there weren't any Halloween Bazaar we'd expected like the last time in 2010. Felt so, so so so so screwed up.) --> "Let's go to Serangoon, NEX! I saw a Halloween Bazaar that time I went there! Let's run!" said Darren. So, we ended up at NEX and the "Bazaar" turned out to be a ludicrous "Funhouse" for shoppers with $30 and above in a single receipt. That was when we swore never to trust him again.We kicked and punched him. Anyway, so we got our stuffs(which is exactly the ones we saw at BPP's atrium. Our lessons learnt caused us about $2.60 in transport fees. I could have totally used that money to buy a Daiso cape.pttfff.) --> Home. (with sore feet)

Garret's popcorns are da-bomb,though it's really expensive.
That small bag costs $7.
We tried CheeseCorn and that was the suckiest flavour ever.
Do yourself a favour, get the sample but don't ever buy it.
"Gone in 60 seconds" was more like "Dead in 60 seconds" from a clogged artery and a heart attack since it was "too much" and way too salty.

Tadaaa.
The sick faces are a testament to how disgusting the flavour was.

"I can squeeze! I can squeeze!!"

It was really a joke that the cashier lady actually gave a laugh when they were paying for their "Tridents".

I've noticed, really observed that Barbie Dolls are no longer as thin as they used to be!
Seriously! They even have well-defined calves and they're arms aren't stick-thin(literally) anymore. They have developed adequate muscle mass or fats! I think the company has had too many complains of young girls wanting to be as (unrealistically) skinny as their (flawless and perfect) pretty barbie dolls. I'm trilled at the fact that the new version of Barbie Dolls have movable joints!

5 more mins and ooh, I do hope I feel drowsy with sleep.

Goodnight(:

2011-10-27T01:13:00.001-07:00

I thank everything for today,
I didn't fall like I did in Primary 2!!

2011-10-26T06:30:00.000-07:00

I didn't find the trip to the farms meaningful, truth be told.
Seeing the way the goats were being cooped up in such confined, unbecoming spaces, I felt something more than anger.
It blighted my hopes of Singapore being humanely different among it's Southeast Asian counterparts.
To think that I actually take pride in Singapore's produce of meat through it's ethical means of slaughter.
I realized how the goats had this cycle of: Sleep.Wake Up.Get Milked.Go Back To Confined Spaces.Unable to Produce milk, Get Pregnant again.Go Through the painful process of labour.Produce Milk.Get Milked.Sleep.Wake Up.Get Milked.Go Back To Confined Spaces.
If that isn't depressing enough, for god's sake,
you actually send them to an research institute for experiments when they're no longer of use?
You toss them there to suffer untold misery after their 7-9 years of faithful service?
The person even had the nerve to say,
"We don't kill them, not like the mutton you eat,*smiles* because there's no slaughter house in Singapore(oh, so you will kill them if there's one?), we sent them to an research institute for them to experiments."
It's ironic though.
Who gave man such right to decide such an inevitable (cruel) fate?
Paradoxically, you see humans fighting for animal rights whilst you see man's burning need to exert power over beasts(in a sense), the desire to assume superiority.
Well, that's the very thing that distinguishes humans from beings we call Animals.
Yet, is it fair then, to say that the life of an animal is to serve. to provide. to offer. to suffer for a "greater" cause which doesn't exactly benefit themselves.

I don't know.
What's the point of saying all these when I'm not doing anything.
It's meaningless,

I feel tired.

2011-10-21T06:15:00.000-07:00

Half of today's principal's dialogue got me all irritated.
Seriously, $200,000 on air-conditioned classrooms for the graduating classes?
seriously?! Is that even a necessity? What's wrong with the powerful giant fans in the classroom? What's wrong with the fans installed on the ceiling?
That's not enough? What's the definition of a conducive learning environment then?
$200,000 to add on to unnecessary environmental problems?

During the first-half of the dialogue where I think they spent an excessive amount of time on this pointless topic, I really had the compulsive urge to shout across the room.
I didn't cause the mere thought of it got my heart palpitating like mad.
I have this issue of speaking to many people(formally) and trust me, I could literally hear my heart thumping(ridiculously crazily) when I voiced out the CCA I wanted and I told myself never to take the risk of speaking again, lest I faint and die.

ANYWAY.
$200,000 is a lot of money and I think it can be put to better use.
Why not use that sum of money for enrichment courses?
Why not use the recurring costs to better the student body?
Here's a suggestion, better their attitude.
Installing air cons won't guarantee As, it won't guarantee character.
The fact that students aren't the least satisfied with a roof over their clean, well-fed bodies( fan or no fan) shows their mindset and (pardon if I sound like Super Nanny)by air-conditioning classrooms, you're just reinforcing this negative attitude.
You know, hearing Mr Seet oh-so patiently addressing thoughtless questions, I find it amazing.
If I was him, I'd be shouting my head off, blasting detentions to anyone who fire such irrational requests.

[bytheway, debating society is budget okay. All you need is a qualified language teacher and paper. == and viola,a totally cool CCA is formed. I don't see any "deep pocket" in that.]

Nono,so my point is, is there a need for such extra comfort?
What happen to "it's all in the mind" or "mind over matter"?

It's never enough isn't it?

Please,get over yourselves.

2011-10-19T03:03:00.000-07:00

omg, Maddi Jane rocked the covers of Rolling In The Deep- Adele and Price Tag-J Jessica
omgomgomgomg, how freakin' talented can one be?
18 million hits. 300,000 subscribers.

It's quite depressing isn't it?
Sometimes, I keep wondering whether that's why the non-talented end up being in school,
slogging your brain juices out to just get a place in society or to get by.
That's it.
School today yanked me back(very grudgingly) back to reality.
It became a torture.
Or maybe, I was torturing myself in my head.
Anyway, everything in school today was a daze to me.
ohgod, to think I nearly rapped out Super Bass in Amaths, being in that trance I was in at that time.
It felt surreal to get in touch with reality.
Trigonometry.Log.Nephrons.Pulmonary Artery. Zuowens. Sucky hmt marks. Hitler. SBQs. Bonding Singapore. Mistakes.Mistakes and more mistakes.
I would like to question what Mr LKY said by " Singapore needs to produce youths with creativity, with bright ideas, etc".
yeah by what? Rote memorization? By die-hardly conforming to formats for every, single subject there is to know?
I've been thinking, does karma play a part?
You accumulate them in your past life and it determines what or who you are in the present.
"What goes around, comes a round".
Life is like a circle, I mean, it sort of depends in your religion though.
But it all voices down to, Birth, Life, Death and the whole cycle repeats.
I read a book and it said, "You came into this world with nothing, you'll leave it with nothing too".

Not fame, Not money, Not materialistic gains,
its just a simple,
I want to find the meaning to life thats all.

2011-10-18T04:44:00.000-07:00

Wow, four days of holiday and I feel more than great.
I had so many inspirations and I feel more than wonderful.
I watched 5 consecutive movies today and I feel more than overwhelmed.
I finally, finally(!) had the time to go running and I feel more than happy.
I actually had the time to finish learning guitar chords and I feel more than grateful.
I ate so much,too much actually and I feel more than blessed.
omg, I could finally sleep for a full 8 hours and I feel more than contented.
This is life and I feel so much more than during the holidays!
ah, I love the holidaaaaaaays!

p/s: I miss you Celina. )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))):

2011-10-18T04:37:00.000-07:00

"Truly man is the king of beasts, for his brutality exceeds them. We live by the death of others. We are burial places! I have abjured the use of meat since an early age, and the time will come when men will look upon the murder of animals as they now look upon the murder of men.

-Leonardo da Vinci

I'm going vegetarian and I will not fail again this time.

2011-10-17T07:06:00.000-07:00

Pictures summing up my eventful week. (:

The Ukulele was meant as a gift for my cousin's 21st b'day from my sis,mom and I.
how cute it is isn't it?
uh, ignore the background. heh, I was revising Physics. Ptffff.

My dad's behemoth-sized guitar.
ughs, my fingers still hurt. ):

HAHAHA. Ignore the 2007's NDP funpack, we wanted to hide the Ukulele in something and it fitted perfectly so.. it was really fun connecting the bag though! (;
hahahaha,my cousin got quite a pleasant shock. (((:

The Prive @ Keppel Bay.
The yachts there gave such a dreamy feeling.

Fondant cupcakes!

Gifts,gifts and more gifts.

Had my latest night out that day, we hanged arnd KAP till like 2++ am.
heheh, but I had loads of fun. ((:

Happy 21st my dearest cousiiieeee!

p/s: I want, no, need a camera. How can I capture important moments of my loved ones then?My phone's camera isn't up to it. )):

Passed by plaza after my run and they were having that dog obedience training thingy again.They looked so cuddly! Especially the Border Collie! ):

2011-10-16T08:56:00.001-07:00

My finger-tips are imprinted with lines and they're so swollen to the point where my index and middle finger are bleeding,(using my right hand to type now since the right is the one you use for strumming)no kidding.
Nevertheless, I will persist in my attempt to learn the guitar!
I'm taking lessons from my Dad,heh.
His guitar is ginormous by the way, so huge that it takes up half of my upper torso.
anyway, a piano is no good for creating music, a guitar is.
I'm so trilled at the thought that finally, I can put my lyrics into music. :D

I LOVE WEEKENDS, I love not having to face meaningless textbooks!
I read this from somewhere lately and it just cracks me up.
"2 hydrogen atoms plus 1 water molecule. Who are we, God? Why the heck do we care?!"

2011-10-14T18:28:00.001-07:00

I know this isn't being me, but, ohgod, I think I'm in love with Taylor Swift, along with all other women that is. (;
She's just really real, very much like Ross Lee but they're worlds apart definitely.
Seeing her on the Ellen DeGeneres show makes me swoon. heh.
I love her.

maybe, maybe I'm 1/3 lesbian and you'll never know. (:

2011-10-14T18:14:00.000-07:00

I couldn't be more proud of my handmade birthday card. I was hoping it'd be elaborate enough for a 21st Birthday. Even if it isn't, it better be because I spent a straight full 6 hours on it. 4 hours on the cover, 2 hours on the insides. I had to scour more than 10 magazines(Cleo, 8 Days, Adele( I really liked that magazine, oh well),Juice,Hot Spot,Women,Past Present Perfect(HA),Alexis, Female, Style and much to my desperation,I-weekly.) But my sister had been really great, she didn't mind that her magazines were being disfigured. ((:)

And...... the mess of the process.

TEEHEE.

2011-10-13T06:52:00.001-07:00

I am going to embrace myself being fifteen.

2011-10-13T03:55:00.000-07:00

I'm not sitting in front of a textbook and I'm this happy.

I WANT TO BE LIKE HER.
damnit. I spent my childhood waiting for this moment, don't tell me I'm gonna spend my adolescence waiting fruitlessly too, okay mom?
just you wait.

2011-10-13T02:18:00.000-07:00

Exams are over, f i n a l l y.

Oh yes, I finished "How to win friends and influence people" recently and wow, I couldn't agree more with it. There's always a misconception that people unfallingly associate with self-help books. Self-help books aren't only for the socially inept recluses of the world you know. And the fact that people shun themselves away for fear that its a social stigma to be seen reading them, it's no wonder that such books are always left untouched.
anyway, the book mentioned how literally, everyone craves for that sense of importance, whereby its human nature to yearn for self-appreciation and to have that kind of desire, no?
Look around you and you'll be amazed on the extent of narcissism people posses. Examples from the book,
1. A person starts talking about himself in a conversation and very so rarely do they hear what the other party says because most of the time, they just want to continue about themselves. yeah, so that's how people's sentences get interrupted.
Ever heard of, " I wanna say first leh. listen to me.". uh huh.

2. Every human being, no matter how humble, how shy, how introverted would be happy, more than happy to gain recognition and attention.
It gives them affirmation and validation. If that isn't the case, would facebook statuses still exist? Would pictures of a person himself be posted? Would a person share whatever he did,(those he takes pride in)with people?
ask yourself, why?

yeah, I've gained quite a lot of insights.
Do society a favour, read 'em.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't care whether this is random or not.
You'd better CLICK the link to help those innocent bears.
oh and, F*** those goddamn people.
This isn't the first time I've been so,so pissed.
When I grow up, I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna be in movies, Drive nice cars, I wanna have boobies. When I grow up, be on TV. People know me, be on magazines. When I grow up, fresh and clean when I step out the scene. -Pussycat Dolls.
I'm gonna kill them.

http://www.endbearfarming.org/en/

2011-10-04T06:41:00.001-07:00

gosh, thank god that there's the existence of an English paper tmr. It has provided me with plausible reasons to actually get in touch with the language per se and how relieve I feel for just today that I can actually spend my time reading something that's familiar.
I can't stand those mathematical values, those incoherent language of sciences, they just don't add up to me and the only reason I can be bothered with them is because that's my only way out of this miserable cycle.
Get good grades, get into an institute that offers lang art and humanities with just a contrasting subject and I'm good.

I've regretted and I will make up for it.

2011-09-28T07:39:00.000-07:00

No matter how compelled I am to pull my hair out from their very roots, how painfully time is slipping through my bare fingers while I gap in horror, how everyone is showing their extreme side of "sense of urgency",
I shall be oblivious to all of that and pace myself.

I CAN DO IT. (:

2011-09-12T07:48:00.000-07:00

Reached Singapore in the morning from Malaysia and headed to town with my sister.
I think I almost spent my remaining savings on food.
Thank god I swam the day before, not that I feel any less sinful or guiltier from all that overload of calories.
My legs are getting hideous by the day and I keep finding new mosquito bites everywhere.
And, I'm broke in a officially official way.
It sucks to be trapped in this vicious cycle. ):
Birthdays seems to me like it's never ending, not that I'm complaining since I do get the fun out of personalizing birthday presents and seeing their smiles.((: (hopefully sincere ones)

p/s: Was really thankful to Darren today for his kinokuniya vouchers! I had so much fun there and I finally got my long awaited book. Thanks dude for your thoughtful birthday present. (;

pp/s: I'm gonna start on my holiday homework soon, really.
I'm going to finish all of my Physics worksheets like I ought to.
Mind power!

2011-09-10T22:49:00.000-07:00

dear me,

Yesterday is yesterday, tomorrow is tomorrow.
Channel all that fustrations into positive energy for you to get going,
to get on with life's every little nuances.
You'll give yourself a pat on the back everytime you feel like letting go.
Have hope. Have faith.
You're human and it's okay to have lapses in your judgement at times.
It's like running,
you need stamina as well as the mental strength to finish this little pursuit of yours.
remember this, Carpe Diem!
Seize your day.

Your's truly,

Me.

2011-09-07T06:32:00.001-07:00

The way I felt, was just "UGH."

I had to clean the dishes, mop the floor, clean the table,etc everynight before I sleep, volunteer to boil the water, hang out the clothes and,
my sister HAD to complain when she washed the clothes?!
No, no sibling rivalry here, more like bitch warfare.
The washing machine went on a strike, refused to work up a bit.
So she had to wash 4 days of clothings before my mom came home at 7.(she went Genting).
I know, that's why they tell you " not to leave it to the last minute".
I tried everything to make the washing machine worked and it rebelled by flooding almost half of the kitchen with water.
I don't know! It came out of the pipe and the only way to stop the flood(more like a deluge,hello)
was to channel the water into buckets.
Yes, three buckets full of water.
Had to spin dry the clothes and everything. and hang the clothes out.
I felt I burned 2000 calories.
anyway, so she was all wet from her traditional hand-washing of clothes.
It was really FUNNEH. (How can one get so wet by washing clothes?H.A)
Normal human reaction was to laugh uncontrollably since she came out of the toilet looking utterly deranged and dishevelled, not to mention, with a fully qualified housewife-y look.
and,
I got splashed.
with water.
I was wet.
all over.
Yeah, and we ended up having a water fight, chasing her from the kitchen to the living room to my parent's bedroom, leaving trails of water everywhere.
So who was the one to clean up everything again?
Your's truly.
I was on the verge of calling her a mofo being civillised and refined, I had a considerable amount of self-control.(:
Cleaning every thing took me an hour and I was so mad that I had devoted most of my day cleaning up, mess.

I was so mad(incensed should be the word)that I decided not to stay in the house with her.
At least I practiced one of the fundamentals from Dale Carnegie: Avoid Arguments and Walk Away.
I decided that a run would do me good and boy, the angrier you get, the more staminar you have.

and then,
I got home happy again! (:

THE END.

2011-09-03T08:24:00.000-07:00

I've got the books I wanted.
I've planned what I want to watch.
I'm ready to enrich myself, I'm all set for the holiday.
I can't wait to get away.
Its like a vacation for me to dive deep into oblivion.
I'm not running away from existing problems, it's like what I said, respite.
Seeing cranes do have a soothing effect, the effect of bringing inner peace.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stop messing with my family.

Stop being a tyrant, a bigot for that matter.
Stop being a autocratic dictator.
Stop holding grudges against things that happened eons ago, no matter how painful.
Stop dominating, stop being domineering towards him.
Stop suffocating him.
He's had enough, we've had enough.
Stop blurring the lines between minding your own business and the privilege to concern out of love.
Stop having agendas, stop having motives.
Give everyone a break for crying out loud.(funny, as if we haven't been doing it.)
Stop everything because we're at the end of our limits.
Stop having us to tolerate your absurd idiosyncrasies for forever.
Stop condemning him, stop looking at us like filth.

You know, every iota of my being, every cell, every atom hates you, you and you.
Hatred isn't very healthy and you're not worth risking it.
I'll not be ungrateful and ignorant to the love you've undoubtedly showered me once.
I'll repay it when I have the means to and then,
we're through, ever.
I don't care about blood ties and I don't care about the surname that binds us through every trials and tribulations in this, I mean "your" or maybe in the present, "our" family.

What's the point of life when you have to face such crap every single time?
What's the point of having to be constantly reminded of the past?
when the reminder has never been unfailingly pleasant?
We don't need you to pin-point our flaws with caustic remarks,
and absolutely not with the acerbic criticisms.
Time and time again,
my feelings have been lacerated.
You, you and you,
you make me feel inferior and small,
like I'm equivalent to a tiny speck,
waiting to be forgotten.
Now then, so what is the point of you having to vehemently insist on having that as the resolution?
You have no right to interfere at all.
No one has every granted you, you and you that right.
What are rights then?
Stop using traditions,cultures,positions and roles to assume that possession to the right.
It's his decision, it's his life.
Its our life.

I'm not going to go into submission,
I'm not going to endure your contempt towards us.

So just stop.
Stop being you, you and you.

2011-08-30T04:13:00.000-07:00

Its always amusing to see the stark contrast between my mom's and dad's parenting ways.
Yeah, I was laughing away when they argued over my physics homework that day.

D: AIYO. Why are you learning thermal physics!? *shakes head in immense disappointment*
See. These people( I think he was referring to schools/education in general) are in conspiracy! Wasting my daughter's time! The way of money should be taught! It's much more useful. Tell me, how to be successful in society with thermal physics?
M: Stop teaching her the wrong way. She's doing her homework, let her be.
D: Let her be?! You see la, 95% of the people are like you uh, don't know the meaning of "I'd rather earn 1% of other people's efforts, leveraging than earning 100% of my own efforts. You've only got 24hours in your life, how much can you do?"
M: ya la,ya la. *walks away*( while I listen, involuntarily, mind you to my dad going all from "earning a salary" to "passive income" to "education" to "marketing skills" to "IQ v.s EQ".

So I couldn't stand it anymore and I retorted asking him to tell that to my physics teacher, Mr Prakash who's all about getting A1s for your O'levels.
Woah, this triggered an entirely new approach.
D:"So? Get A1s for O'levels so what? Without financial knowledge, you can just slog your whole life!.....*continues*

haha, that's the kind of quibbles I go through everyday.
yeah, so since young, I'd always get my Dad to sign my "not-up-to-my-mother's-standard" test papers.
ah, childhood memories.
Still, its hugely irritating that I always have to tell him to not keep dumping his books which he wants me to read on my table.
For god's sake, it's piling up!

ANYWAY.
I managed to get Malcolm Gladwell's signature on my book yesterday when my uncle attended his seminar! He's listed one of the World's Most Influential Person.
HA.
Sorry, it earned me bragging rights and I just had to use it,like here. ;)

2011-08-25T05:56:00.000-07:00

I've not been myself lately.
Actually, it hasn't just been"lately".
Everything that I do is perfunctory, it doesn't sink in deep.
Curiosity in me has kept me going all this while and now,
without that flame, I feel alien.
Maybe, its people who are preventing me from having that fire re-kindled.
Yes, I feel suppressed.

I really want to be in sync with myself again.

Stop drifting away.

All these talk is getting disgustingly superficial.
I need respite.

2011-08-20T08:25:00.000-07:00

I pale in comparison to my counterparts.
C'mon, enrich yourself.
Enrich yourself with books and not textbooks.
I am really going to devote my weekend to reading,
from sonnets all the way to literature.
I'm going to tap back into that familiar world and enlighten myself in a way that I would most be happy. (:

ohboy, do I feel excited again!

2011-08-16T07:25:00.000-07:00

I desperately NEED time to read.
Sometimes in the midst of all the homework, I have this strong, undeniable compulsion to ravage the worksheets and then, I'll say, "What am I doing this for?"
I'd question myself endlessly to the point where it'll be too overwhelming and I'll continue doing my homework defeatedly.
Still, I can't help but notice how flawed our education system is.
Clever is defined by one's ability to ace rote memorization as a means of assessment.
People deemed academically clever are people who posses the tolerance, the aptitude to ingurgitate forced knowledge.

All this while, I ponder, I think.
What for?
What for when you posses such qualities but yet, you're a person maimed with severe character disabilities?
I strongly do not think that such academic knowledge would get you far in life, a job maybe but no more.
I need 21st Century Skills and not mainly to solve a Trigo problem.
If education is preparing us for the future, why does unemployment for the graduates still exist in the society of today?

Education has robbed me of my own time, deprived me of my hobbies and no doubt, heisting away my time with my family.
Still, I have myself to blame.
I need to organise my time better.

Education will not dictate my life.

2011-08-10T00:24:00.000-07:00

You offer Her your right hand; your master hand.
me?
i didn't get any,
your left was kept.
It stayed close by Her side.

i waited,
waited,
and waited.

The sweetness tasted bitter,
i tried swallowing your efforts,
i tried.
But none i tasted.

Her big and happy grin,
me?
no, it didn't matter.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I'm just going to keep up with the pretense.
Everyone has choices and I'm not excluded either.

I'm going to let you go, until I find a reason not to.
and You, you're a collective noun.
Go figure.

2011-08-07T09:40:00.000-07:00

Its 1.ooam now and I just returned from town not too long ago with my dear cousins.
I have barely 5hours to sleep so I'll just let the pictures do their talking. (:

We went kite-flying at Marina Barrage.

My darling grandpa!
I had 3 cakes in total. Hahahaha, I'm not complaining! (:

Had Kui Shin Bo Buffet with coussies.
Can't tell you how bloated I am now.
I feel stuffed.
anyway, the tempura was just, too good.

Sis and Cousins

Sis.

Huge Oysters.
Nah, I don't appreciate anything that has to do with shells.
Apparently, it's not part of the buffet.
At some point, the staff will ring this bell and announce this Oyster Promotion thingy whereby the first 20 who rushes to a counter will get it.
No, we were sitting nearest to the place so yeah, right place right time. ((:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear sis,
Thank you for your card, it was the best gift ever. I'm not kidding.
Thank you for shaping me to be who I am and I hate to admit this and you'd better not get too egoistical after knowing this. You're the one who influences me the most, in a good way. So thank you.

Dear parents,
This is too obvious but I'm gonna say it anyway.
Thank you for bringing me into this world. For that, I can never thank you enough.

Dear cousins,
I don't know where to start, you guys have done many, many, many wonderful things for me.
You're the BEST coussies to have, ever.

lastly, Dear Friends,
Thank you for your company.
You guys made my day unforgettable.
Thank you for the cake too. (:
and darren for the vouchers too.(!!!!!) I really, really didn't expect that.

oh and, I FINALLY DID A CARTWHEEL. YESSSS.

Thank you, for I am blessed.

2011-08-06T08:13:00.001-07:00

I've grown older.

I will be wiser.

2011-08-04T07:24:00.000-07:00

I got my first ever ulcer in my 14 years of existence and I didn't know it actually hurts THIS much.
Bloody hell, goddamn painful.
I name her Stella the Pain-causing, Appetite-Killing Bitch.
You heard me.
It sucks so much that I've GOT to rant.
And rant.
and rant again.

That's it.
I'm gonna kill you with salt.

2011-07-31T05:22:00.000-07:00

It has occurred to me that my posts tend to slant towards the philosophical on Sundays.
no, it isn't a bad thing.
I love Sundays now, I really do.
They clear up the clutter in my mind and I'll be all set and positive to face the school week ahead.

Sundays give me time and that's when all the thoughts come flooding in.
Its like a deluge of inspirations
and it doesn't matter if I stay at home all day.

I finished the book my dad assigned to me and that piece of summary.
I got $10 and I realized, what I had learned didn't amount to that trifling sum.

"hey, your birthday is coming", my dad says.
"yeah, why? You wanna get me a dog?" I tried.
"Be more realistic okay. "
"fine, I want assets and a bank account."
"Aiya, shouldn't have given you that book."

I want to get out of that Rat Race.

2011-07-29T07:50:00.000-07:00

I want to be a gymnast.

I've been wanting to do gymnastics since god knows when.
Every time I watch the Olympics gymnastic events, i'm filled with awe.
And since young, I've been aspiring to be able to become one.
yet, the price of such classes are ridiculous.

My hopes have been rekindled once more and it has been added to my list of motivations.

There are a lot of things in life I've never been able to fulfill, i.e. getting into SOTA, not being adamant enough to want Literature, etc.
yes, I regret all that unnecessary hesitation.

I want to be a gymnast.
There's still hope.

Study hard.
Get into that almost-impossible JC.
Join that CCA.

I can and I will and thats the way to go!
Hooray!I feel MOTIVATED AGAIN. ((((:

2011-07-23T10:02:00.000-07:00

That's gotta be the most artistic wound I've ever gotten in my 14 years of falling down.

Throughout the years, I've accumulated many wounds and this is ultimately, the most epic one to be added.
Nah, I slipped and tripped over a drain while i went for run this morning.
It didn't exactly hurt I guess or maybe I'm just used to it.
That's a ability one has acquired over the many times of injuring one's self.
Though i've not yet thought of a way of how to hide this evidence of my folly in shorts or worst still,in school skirt.

Stupid wound, now I can't go swimming.
damndamndamnit!

2011-07-22T20:39:00.001-07:00

Stop wallowing in self-pity. Stop drowning in a puddle of nothing.
Imperfection keeps you sane.
likewise,by accepting such shortcomings, you mature.

I've finally gotten my answer for my emotions these past few weeks.
though its wasn't a pleasant experience, i feel light and not-so-quite demented in a sense.

My favourite childhood quotation,
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr Seuss

I don't know who to trust, who to confide, who to be who i am when i'm with them because everyone's just,
superficial.
I don't know.
All I get are just these vibes of unfamiliarity all of a sudden.
Its really, really frustrating.
People who care, aren't they supposed to be happy for you when you do something good?
Aren't they supposed to rejoice with you?
So why?
Why can't I ever be truly happy about whatever I've done and not worry about whether or not,
I will be hated,condemned and ultimately, derided?
Why can't I ever be understood and why can't i ever, EVER be me, myself and only me?

All these "whys" are a constant pain and I don't need them, not anymore.

I finally got that off my chest.

wow, its been a long time but yes,
I'm feeling happiness.

.

2011-07-20T07:22:00.000-07:00

seriously, i don't care whether this blog is gradually morphing into one of those websites whereby you grit your teeth and say "bloody bitch, whats wrong with you?! Get.A.Life and Pull.Yourself.Together."

I feel detached from everybody and I mean every single person.
everyday, i'm asking myself "why?" and everyday, different reasons come to me.
I don't get reality.
Maybe because I detest that very thing so much.
Detest isn't strong a word, try loathe.
Running is just another temporary endorphin fix and happy runs doesn't seem to have that effect on me as it used to.

No one understands,
maybe because I'm too well hidden behind my artfully concealed facade.

2011-07-08T07:55:00.000-07:00

I hate school.
Ugliness is rubbing off me.
I really do.

If hating one's self is shallow, then so be it.
My self-esteem has never been more thoroughly crushed.
There is nothing to understand,
There is nothing to feel for,
there is nothing, no need at all to sympathesize with me.
one, you'll never have the cause to fuel this feeling.
two, you're simply not me.

"Be a Winner, not a Whiner" is what my dad always say.
yes, i'll climb out of this self-deprecation hole once i get over it.

Time will tell

2011-07-01T21:58:00.000-07:00

I feel pain.
I feel ugly,
this feels pathetic.

You.
Stop condemning me,
stop making my life miserable.

My conscience has been tormenting me.
i want to be better.
yet, i feel lost.

I've never been like this before,
not unless something triggers it.
nothing happened, everything's the same.
then why?
then why do i feel that bitter feeling rising up my throat again?

I feel utterly wretched,

no,thats not right.

I feel pain.

2011-06-24T06:29:00.000-07:00

i toss and turn,
weaving dreams and
She breathes down my ear,
"I'm leaving".

The relentless shiver,
down my spine,
an uninvited friend alike.
i brace myself,
"I'm Leaving".

Crystal clear,
ocean blue,
that meaning all too true,
and
soon.

my soul, my nub,
My very core,
will be hers to take along.

For when She leaves me,
in her taunting dress,
i'll nod and say,
"Bloodyhell, She's LEAVING!"

hahahahah, thats just a crap poem i conked up of nowhere.

School awaits.

2011-06-23T05:15:00.000-07:00

Love is the sum of our choices, the strengths of our commitments and the ties that bind us together.

How true.

So many inspiring books out there and yet, so little time.

2011-06-17T23:48:00.000-07:00

I'm biting away my fingernails nervously as i countdown to the screening of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, Part 2.
I really need to go read The Deathly Hallows again.
I'm so going to watch it at the New Lido IMAX theatre! Gonna be absolutely awesome.

Breaking Dawn,say whaaat?

2011-06-17T08:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, I lied.
This isn't a very long period of dormancy before i start writing again.
well, thats good.

Anyway.

Every morsel of my being is liberating maniacal joy.

#1: I may have drank too much coffee and my body is starting to recognize the effects of caffein albeit it was just half a cup. (The Coffee Connoisseur has the best coffee!)
help me, its 1.30am now and i'm as if not more energetic than in the afternoon.
this sucks, a lot.

#2: came back from the airport not long ago to fetch my another cousin back from London. Reason for "another" cause i went there in the afternoon to see my other coussie off.
yes, i'm loving.
thats not the point though it is somewhat (:
nono. He bought me a freakingg Hamly's 250th Anniversary London Bear(!!!!)
i can never thank him enough.
its like the world's bestest toy shop, ever.

#3: He bought me a box of macarons from Laduree(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Thats one of the founding shops of the pioneer batch of macaron makers.
no doubt, its really expensive but still, OMG.
-and i thought Canele's was the nicest.

okay, i need to force myself to sleep.

SLEEEP.

2011-06-10T07:48:00.000-07:00

As usual, i have been getting very, very weird dreams lately.
yes, weirder by the night and its totally random and quirky.
still, its regrettably entertaining whenever i think about it.

I realised how much i have been lacking lately.
Ifeel empty.

i'll not be writing any time soon,
it doesn't come to me as fervent anymore.

2011-06-09T07:36:00.000-07:00

I have officially satisfied my cravings for food.
I am satiated for the time being. (:

Friday.
My grandparents made 粽子(!)
their zhongzi are the bestest!
everything's just in equal proportion.
yeah, eating is easy but the making process is just . . .omg
can you believe my grandma actually woke up at 4am to prepare the ingredients and stuff and she woke up at 5plus am the next day to actually do it.
she's amazing.

Saturday.
I finally had dinner at Burger Shack with my cousin and sis! <3
then had Sogurt for dessert, blasted $6.90 on that cause it goes by the weight.
their business plan is ingenious yet scheming, you'll never know how much until you weigh the yogurt with toppings of your own choice.
the red velvet cake flavour is DA BOMB.

Sunday.
Stupidity was on my part.
I took the wrong 171 bus and ended up in Yishun,
despite the immense hate i had towards myself, i took the 171 bus back all the way back and continued heading towards Bukit Timah.
The journey took me 3 freakingg hours!
I wanted to find my sister at her workplace a to retrieve my house keys.
as usual, i ended up waiting for her to knock off.
had my sticky cinnamon bun from bread society!
went for Marble Slab!
then had double scoops at Island Creamery!

Today.
Benjamin and I went to Chinatown for our HMT project after E Maths remedial.
. Stopped at Plaza Singapura to have our lunch.
- Had a crepe from Saybons (Y) and benjamin had his fried seoul chicken thingy.( really nice!)
- Had Gong Cha(YYY), couldn't be bothered with the Tai Wan plastic scandal.
. We had this sudden spontaneous idea to hike from dhoby ghaut mrt all the way to chinatown.
super funny.
, so our long journey began with us walking round the premises of PS and finally founded the right way which was through Fort Canning Park.
Fort Canning Park was unexpectedly BIG and we took quite a while to figure out how to get out.
at least we got to see the cannons, the battle box, the black box theatre and the place where General Percival led his team to surrender. yeah, how educational. ==
.Reached Clark Quay like finalllyyy. The endless walk reminded me of the Nomadic Race though.
.Had the help of a tourist map to get to China town.
. Got down to work there, flimed, interviewed,etc.
haha, we got a bit distracted when we reached the food stalls.
- Ate traditional tangyuans established all the way from 1942!
- had some weird cake stuff, somewhat like ondeh ondeh.
. we had this another spontaneous idea to wait for nightfall so that we could flim the night life of chinatown.
- upon deciding where to waste the time away, we agreed "NEX" in Serangoon!
yes, spontaneousity is the way to go!
. NEX was a big disappointment, no matter how up-scaled the building was.
it was totally boring and Capital Mall-ish. how irritating.
. Benjamin tried Rockery smoothie.
i tasted his and it has a distinctive, unique + weird taste.

wait for it!

.WE TRIED FRESHNESS BURGER(!!!!!!!!!)
i pestered him to try since there's been madly positive reviews on it and with the ethusiastic recommendation of my cousin. She's one real foodie, i tell'ya.
. the food was affordable and surprisingly reasonable considering its everything is from Japan.

. headed back to Chinatown during evening.
again, we were so crazy to alight at Dhoby Ghaut and went for a second detour.
msged my sister before going into the 1/2dark Fort Canning Park for safety precautions while Benjamin tweeted where he was for that same reason.
. there was a significant change in atmosphere.
it didn't help when benjamin tried to scare the shit out of me by tapping me on the shoulder.
i supressed a scream with skill. (:
.finally we reached chinatown and wrapped up our fliming.
. walked all the way to People's Park's bus stop.
. Legs were killing me.

I reached home at 9.45pm.
it was indeed a long, long day and thank god it wasn't awkward as i thought it would be to hang out with a guy.
it wasn't awkward at all actually.
We talked random stuffs.
it was, fun.

GO FOOD!

2011-06-08T08:10:00.000-07:00

Disney songs are timeless.
Listening to the mellifuous melody as each note comes to life under my fingers, its such a joy to be able to find an oasis of calm and comfort from all the troubles.

no matter how temporarily.

2011-06-06T08:42:00.000-07:00

Its way past midnight and guess what?
I just came back home.

i'm in my groggiest state and maybe, that'd be the most honest me as well.
it may seem paradoxical but thats how the present seems.
thats how bleak things are, for the way i see it now.
They told me all about hierarchy, lineage, the importance of fulfulling one's duties.
They bombarded with the endless reiterated past, one filled with mistakes and on one part, undying vindictive grivances.

whats new?
whats new, when i've been tolerating this piling load of crap for 15 years?

don't worry, it doesn't get to me as much since i've already become immune to every single strand of condemnation.
I just don't get it.
Keeping Tabs?Dictatorial?Forced?
you call it love?
yes, i do sincerely feel it but its an absurd,absolute twisted form of it.
It seems surreal to be born into such an adament ancestry.
You people remind me of the Adam family,
You're like Dementers.
you rob me of my happiness whenever i'm there,
without fail for that every.single.time in that house.

why? Aged 6 and i knew the word of what i was feeling: Trauma
to me writing this publicitly, i'm beyond my limit of tolerance.

you know, this would be a wonderful drama script.
Oh yes, it would definitely win a prize.
Full of suspense, full of plausible, well supported arguments.
a complete compilation of 17 years.

theres going to be a finale soon,
everything's coming to an end.
and this time, i'll be the one there rejoicing.

2011-06-01T05:04:00.001-07:00

"what happened to your...?" the lady asks as she gestures politely.
Her attempt to hide her burning curiousity failed to be concealed behind that pearly white smile.
the flames were too bright to be ignored,
like usual.

She flinched.
the void she's been desperately trying to patch up opens.
The abscess sustaining her remaining self-esteem bursts.
consciously, she retreats into that familiar, dingy corner.

Its her only refuge,
the place that keeps her sane enough.
sane enough to think coherently.

questions like this have always been an everyday thing.
funny thing is, the agony is always new.
For the barely healed wounds would begin to bleed again as if they had been inflicted only yesterday.

She sits down,
and solemnly she thinks.
Thinking is a powerful tool.

She smiles through the view of that blurry vision.
The salty feeling doesn't leave, like usual.

Like tissue to tears, she dries up the wounds skillfully.

She smiles admist of everything, like usual.
this isn't the first time and she's going to get over it.

yet,
she knows,
there will be people asking questions.
Questions stirring up her past,
the vunerabilty of that facade,
reopening old scars,
then again,
turning them into fresh wounds,
reapplying the new coat of salt,

like usual.